I have said for the last few years that I am a firm believer in the fact that you can't change people. I believe people can change (I am changing for one) but the desire has to come from within.
In the earlier years Jamie and I had some pretty rough times. It took us a long time to realize that the reason we were having many of our issues was because we were focused on trying to turn the other person into what we wanted them to be.
Once we let go of the illusion that we could change someone else, life didn't just become better, it became pretty great. We realized we could change the way we reacted to a person (and as a result we were no longer acting as a "trigger" for certain reactions) but we could not change the person. By changing the way you react to a person, however, it is quite astonishing how that can change the way the person then reacts to you.
Trust me, it makes a huge difference.
I really should get a show called "Dr. Alan" don't you think? I could kick old Phil's ass out of the water! :-)
Until recently I have been at peace with this bit of wisdom. Now I have a problem.
I am not sure if I am going to get killed for writing this, but I think it is common and therefore should be "out there". Fortunately Jamie next to never reads my blog anyway so maybe all will be cool.
You see, I have this desire to change Jamie again. Strictly from a health perspective, but a change nonetheless. It is for good reason. If I am going to live a longer life he better damn well be there with me.
To be fair he is getting there. He usually eats healthier food if I prepare it, but the "drive" to be healthy isn't there.
The other day he wasn't hungry when I made dinner. Then I realized had had already eaten take out junk. That is fine. God knows I have done that and probably still will once in a while. The thing that bugged me is that ten minutes after saying he was too full for the healthy dinner he ate an entire bag of chocolate covered digestive biscuits.
I said (in a positive tone), "so, your too full for dinner but a bag of chocolate cookies are ok?". He responded (in a positive tone), "We just aren't in the same place. I'm not where you are with food".
What can I say? He speaks the truth.
I was not where I am "now", even a month ago, and it has taken me years, truly, years, to get where I am. Sure the "Nutrition" thing only started last January, but the struggles that lead to it started years ago.
I do worry about his health though.
As I write this blog I am realizing that I am answering my own question.
The answer it to do nothing to change him, but continue to change myself. Fits with my theory about changing people.
I can only hope that my positive changes are an indirect influence. They have been, to a certain extent, already.
I do worry about his overall health though. Other than allergies and headaches he is ok, but time has a way of catching up with us if we don't change our ways. Doing it in five years is still good, but doing it now would be so much better....and safer. I guess I just have to hope he catches up with me on the journey sooner rather than later.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite writing this blog though. It make it sound as though I have "attained perfection" myself. As most of you know I am far from it.
As a side note I do want to repeat something I put in a comment after yesterday's blog, because I think it is good info to pass on and I know many of you never read the comments. In our Nutrition Class yesterday we learned about the effect of the following foods on adolescence, but I believe it can have a similar impact on adults. The title of the slide I am giving you the information from was "Mood and Food"
The indication is that the following foods in your diet can effect behaviour:
Increased sugar/refined
Increased Fat/Processed
Decreased Fibre
Decreased Vitamins and Minerals
Other interesting points
Spinach - increased learning capacity/motor skills
Eggplant - increased focus
Red cabbage - decreased brain cell damage
Eggs - boosts memory
Yogurt - Nerve function/alertness/memory
Wild Salmon - Increased Bran Function and Growth (well maybe the growth part is for adolescence only)
I thought it was interesting, anyway.
Be healthy!
Alan
2 comments:
That was a very interesting blog Alan, there is a lot of truth in what you are saying.
Traditionally it is women who think they can change men but I don't believe the success rate is very high!
Perhaps you are right, it is best to try to change your own attitude towards people instead but that's very hard to do.
My mother had a great saying, "to really get to know someone you have to eat a kilo of salt with them" (roughly translated from Italian) doesn't sound very healthy I know but what it really means is that it takes a long time before you find out what people are really like. We all wear a mask at times.
To quote a couple of cliches, 'there is good & bad in everyone' and 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'...it's just that we don't always see it.
Hey Angelo! It's great to hear from you!
I'm missing Scotland.
I'm not sure I completely agree that the goes are mostly trying to change the guys. I think that women do try to change guys but I know a lot of guys who still think the woman should do all the household chores and wives who in this day and age say that's no longer part of the deal.
The whole point if this blog is respectful discussion though so it's GREAT to hear others viewpoints.
You make a real good point I think and that is that changeing oneself is hard. You hit the nail on the head my friend. Change IS hard and it is full of missteps but I believe everyone can change themselves a bit at a time if they want to. They just can't change someone else.
One has to decide if they are happy with who the other person is, warts and all. That is the bottom line.
There is indeed good and bad in all of us. We need to live happily with both qualities in our partners. They live with both qualities in us.
Miss you!
Alan
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